Coffee shops have changed since free Wi-Fi became ubiquitous. as fewer people dream of writing the Great American Novel and more dream of founding the Great American Startup, you see fewer and fewer notebooks full of words and more notebooks running Word in our nation’s caffeine caverns.
However, those lattes add up fast, and few cafes are willing to take stock options in lieu of cash. How are you supposed to afford the latest iPhone and the fanciest Jawbone if your place of business keeps wanting you to shell out another four bucks in rent every couple hours? Plus, how are you supposed to give your world-class startup the proper image over the phone with all the other wannabes yammering into their headsets?
Luckily, cellular data comes to the rescue. At long last, the untethered entrepreneur is free from the tyranny of free Wi-Fi. Now the on-the-go office squatter can stage a tragedy of the commons at any location that isn’t enclosed by an electric fence.
When you look at it that way, any space that isn’t at this very moment being used for business is, in essence, a hippie commune and a hotbed of radical socialism. Socialism makes Baby Ayn Rand cry, so I’m offering these handy tips for transforming public spaces into outposts of private industry.
The lower classes would have you believe that libraries are supposed to be quiet, but did you know they came up with that rule before noise-canceling headphones were invented? Nowadays, anyone who overhears you clearly wants to overhear you.
Hell, if someone hassles you, accuse them of felony eavesdropping, corporate espionage, stealing trade secrets and, what the hell, domestic terrorism. Librarians are prime persons of interest to the Department of Homeland Security, so the slightest mention of terrorism will send them scurrying back to Periodicals.
Bonus tip: You’re surrounded by thick volumes that are heavy with knowledge. Use a couple of them as a laptop stand.
All you really need to found a startup is someplace to sit that has good acoustics, running water and a reasonably fresh scent. This makes the public restroom a perfect home office away from home or office.
If you’re lucky, you can find one of those cozy single-occupant dealies with a strong lock, in which case you’re set for the whole eight hours. Just make a throwing-up sound every time someone knocks, and the management will be surprisingly reluctant to barge in on you. if you’re stuck with a multiuser setup, stake out the handicapped stall. After all, isn’t being a genius in a closed-minded world the real handicap?
Bonus tip: Look for a place where the baby-changing table is within reach of the toilet. Instant desktop!
Churches are spacious, somewhat comfortable and often air-conditioned. many aspiring CEOs don’t realize that the owners only shove a collection plate in your face on weekends, so feel free to set up shop Monday through Friday. it just makes sense — having a day of rest only makes sense if you’re hard at work building the next WordPress, Facebook or Bang Bus the rest of the time.
Unfortunately, the pastors or fathers or whatever they call them don’t often see it that way, so you’re best off disguising your wheeling and dealing as praising and praying. Say things like “Sweet Mary, can’t believe you can’t cut me a better deal,” or “Oh God I love LinkedIn,” or “Jesus H. Christ on a wet popsicle stick why can’t I find a decent hosting company?” Also, you know how “angel investor” is sometimes shortened to “angel”? do that.
Bonus tip: Avoid churches that let stinky homeless people hang out. I swear, some places have no standards.
Hospital waiting rooms are another place where you’ll find comfy chairs and relatively clean carpets. the receptionists tend to frown on noise and loitering, though, so carefully make your way to the maternity waiting room.
It might be tough to get in, but once you’re in they’re not going to kick you out. if someone approaches you and asks who you’re with or tells you not to use your cellphone, just yell, “my baby needs a home!” while typing frantically and they’ll leave you alone and/or call the cops. It’s a risk, but any financier knows that risk equals reward.
Bonus tip: if you’re a woman you may want to clarify, “my baby, which is being carried by a surrogate mother because I am infertile, needs a home!” or “my baby, who will be raised by two loving lesbian partners of which I am one, but obviously not the birth mother, needs a home!” Your pick.
Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these obstacles to become an angel investor, a daredevil and a high-school shop teacher.
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